This is Now

Just some things I don’t want to forget about these days…

~ grace & strength for a hospital stay

~ friends who love well

~ how camp season marches on and He holds everything together

~ the way my big kids flex and give grace and take each day as it comes and still say “Mama, Mama, Mama” when I walk in the door

~ sitting around the kitchen table – grammar, dictation, and baby girl’s morning snack

~ how handsome (adorable) they are

~ the way she looks for beauty and finds it – and the beauty He’s writing on her heart

~ the man beside me, teamwork, cheering each other on, remembering that this pouring out side by side is the life we dreamed of

~ baby girl’s middle of the night quiet trusting gaze

~ There is no one holy like the LORD; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God.

Today

Today God made me brave.

Morning traffic. Interstate. Downtown. Rain.  Meter parking.  Courthouse.  Stop shaking.  Hug mom.  Tell her I’ll take good care of her baby.

Today God made them brave.

Baby sister.  Love her likes it’s forever.  It might not be.  Give her a piece of your heart.  She’ll take it with her if she goes.  Speak kindly about her mama.  We love because He first loved us.  Ok, Mama.  We can do that.

Thank you, Jesus.

First Placement

I don’t know where to begin.

I don’t know how this will end.

I know that I love her like she’s my own.

And that might make some people a little uncomfortable.  How can that be?  Or shouldn’t you be cautious?

That just doesn’t work.  Scoop up her tiny frame, catch her gazing at your face, listen to her sweet gulps in the middle of the night and then try not to love her too much.  Guard your heart. Be cautious.

Nope, I’m all in.

I’m going to need someone to cry with me when this is all through.

I’m going to need a supernatural love for her mommy.

I’m going to need a rock solid promise that there is One who defends and protects the weak.

Thank you, Jesus.  

Picture this: Catch-up Post

~ “Winter Jam Concert” in the family room

~ A birthday boy.  Lover of books, words, science, making music, how things work.  Deep feeler, deep thinker, honest and insightful.  Intelligent, clever, and creative.  What a good gift he is!

~ Little visitor

What my heart really longs for…

 

As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. (Ps 42:1)

Adoring Him today as the One my soul thirsts for, the fulfillment of all my longings. Even if I don’t realize it.

It feels like there are empty places in my heart and life right now – spaces I am waiting to have filled.

I want the crib to be filled.  I want to know what the coming months will look like.  I want the kids to be good friends.  I want Jesus, His ways, and His love to fill my words, interactions, and attitudes more.

All this wanting. Some days I feel worn out by it.

I need something to say to Him when I pass by the empty bedroom, when the kids are arguing, when I’m not sure how it’s all going to turn out, when I fail again.

He gave me something today…

“Lord, You are the One my heart longs for.  I might feel a lot of wants right now, but the real truth is that underneath it all I’m thirsting for you.  And you’re not going anywhere.  You will satisfy.”

A Letter for A

Dear A,

Strong and silly girl.  Yesterday I knelt down beside your bed and prayed that you would wrestle with God and not let go until He blesses you.

Because you are a wrestler.  All that determination and passion and wit – I pray that one day it will be unleashed in the direction of your Savior.

Now just two, you wanted “The Wheels on the Bus” and not “Jesus Loves Me” for your nighttime lullaby.  You were looking for snakes and spiders in The Jesus Storybook Bible, but you stopped on the page with baby Jesus.  As you grow, I pray that Jesus will stop you in your tracks again and again.  He gets the snake in the end, you know.

I loved…

~ combing your wet curls

~ reading you the spider book again and again and again

~ seeing your eyes light up when you put on the Cinderella dress

~ “cooking” play dough together

~ the way you asked for reassurance, “Miss Jennie, hold you…”

~ watching you fall asleep – every nap, every night

~ the way you covered me with your blanket and brushed the hair from my face when it was time to go to sleep

Thank you for letting me love you even though you had every reason to feel frustrated and afraid.  We have a big God.  I know He can do big things in your life.

love, Miss Jennie

Taking Refuge in Him

 

Psalm 34:22 The Lord redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in Him.

Yesterday I had to make an important decision at a moment’s notice regarding a possible foster placement.  Looking back, I wonder if I made the decision out of fear, flesh, and selfishness rather than faith.  Or maybe it was a wise decision?

The thing is I’m not really sure.  Flesh or faith?  Selfishness or wisdom?

Playing it over and over in my mind isn’t getting me very far.  And since I can’t get it all figured out,  I’m struggling with shame.

So this morning when I read these words in Psalm 34, I had to do some preaching to myself and some talking it out with Him.

Abba,  I come to the cross and take refuge in Jesus and His redeeming work for me.  If it was selfishness, fear, laziness, I repent.  And I thank you that all my sin, all my failures, all my selfishness, and all the rearing of my flesh was paid for at the cross.  I will sin and fail again today, tomorrow, and the next day,  but I know that I am forgiven and have been given the righteousness and holiness of Jesus.  So I’m getting back up, walking with you again, trusting you will keep making me more like the One who lives in me.